TUESDAY, DECEMBER 28, 2010
A NEW YEAR.
The New Year is quickly approaching. It's amazing how fast this year has gone by. I feel like yesterday I was just making resolutions that I was sure I was going to keep. Won't say I got anything I vowed to get done this year but I certainly discovered a lot about myself. That and I learned a lot of lessons.
I won't pretend this year was a good year because it certainly had a lot more downs than ups but it gave me more perspective and made me realize how amazing I am and how much potential I have.
I knew this year was off to a bad start when I got dumped via AIM and left for someone else before sun set on the evening of New Years. It was horrible. I cried a lot. I was heartbroken. I forced myself to go out and hang around drunken marines, watered down drinks and a ton of white people with no rhythmic abilities dancing off beat to shitty music the night before. I spent the night going through motions drowning myself in alcohol upset at the fact that I couldn't even force myself have a good time because all I could think about was him. I was imprisoned in my own thoughts.
January and February proved to be the coldest Winter ever. The Spring wasn't any better and the call on April 29 that changed my life forever. I will not elaborate. Just know, I will never forget that date. It is imprinted on my brain right next to my birth date. This year proved to be my most prosperous year (money wise) and I have nothing to show for it. Absolutely nothing. I didn't give a fuck about much and that really bothered me. I used to have a lot of goals and aspirations but I am lazy. I had no will to achieve anything and I was waking up everyday just to live to exist. That's all I ever do and I am trying to change that. The summer was the absolute worst and I due to my reckless actions, I lost everything. In fact, I almost got fired because I had no will to do my work. I ended up keeping my job due to pity but my boss lost trust in me. I am still working hard to regain this back from him. It is not easy work but things are getting better with time.
In the midst of it all, I found out who my friends were. Fought for someone who wasn't sure of me, held on to something that should have been tossed a long time ago and gained some self confidence. Essentially, I thought needed somebody around to fix my inability to be happy with myself with being alone. I started hanging around a close male friend of mine. He was a Leo like me and our personalities were very similar. He could relate to my situation. He called and we hung out regularly. He was the best friend any girl could ask for. But he just didn't care about me, at all. I soon found out he wanted to fuck and pretended to be my friend and gave me his shoulder to lean on just so he can weasel his way into my panties. He tried to take advantage of me when I was most vulnerable and for that, I cannot respect him. I am still hurt.
I am more hurt by the fact that I was never good enough to be his "friend". I was looked at as a piece of meat. I think I need to reevaluate how I carry myself.
Not even a few months later, I “confided” into her – and her – both of them. They – like so many others – turned their back on me. It was a slap in the face. I probably have no one else to blame but myself for getting hurt so often because from the beginning I always let my guard down and let these wolves in sheep clothing in. She was my everything. One of best friends. I've known her for years. We had history. Made memories. I remember when I got that call, I called her first. I cried to her on the phone for like 2 hours and she just sat there and listened. As she always had. I loved her for that. Our bond was much deeper than the bond I had with my own sisters. I trusted her. She knew all of my secrets. Every flaw, every waking detail of my life. I placed her on a high pedestal. Then she carried me for her out of the blue. The same bitch who secretly hated her guts. I couldn't believe it. I still don't know what I did wrong for her to treat me this way.
A month before he left again; I was in denial about a lot of stuff. All I really had was my dysfunctional family and even they were gone. I was lonely.
I became very depressed for awhile. I hid out in my apartment most of the year. Nothing and nobody interested me. Him and I and her argued a lot. He kept entering and exiting my life. I felt bad for myself.
After my rude awakening during the Summer, I was forced to make a few changes and I stopped selling myself short and allowing people to make me feel as if I wasn't worth anything anymore.
The Fall was much better for me. I joined the gym, started paying off old debt, rediscovered the love of my life, registered for classes (I had dropped out the year before), took more initiative at work and even ran across a couple of great job opportunities. I regret not going on those interviews. I would have been much better financially this moment.
Now it's nearly a new year and I'm certainly not that much stronger but, I do have a lot more back bone. I'm building myself up once again and I feel as though I am where I want to be but in reality, I still have a way to go. Although this year was bullshit, I'm certain that next year holds more promise. Who knows, it may be a breakthrough year for me. But I won't count on it because I say this every year. Ha.